If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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