I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
