i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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