This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
