And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
