Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
