He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
