I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
