What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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