so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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