My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
