Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
