saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
