dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
