we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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