Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
