Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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