he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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