my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
