i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I had to cum in my sink.
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