I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Green mimosas i think yes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Randomize
