member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
