i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize