I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
