everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
