I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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