mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
