i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
