I wanna passion pit in your ass
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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