well I can't set my house on fire every night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The uberlube is also flammable
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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