i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
