He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
