There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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