Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
