After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
