I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
