finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
