Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
