This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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