Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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