wat bout pragnant strippers??
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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