You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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