Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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