I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
