Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
