ADVERTISEMENT

• (417): View more from Missouri

  Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

  Fav 11 1803 3463

  share tweet
  

• (858): View more from California

  Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere

  Fav 10 4108 1072

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (678): View more from Georgia

  This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...

  Fav 11 4662 1848

  share tweet
  

• (757): View more from Virginia

  Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

  Fav 56 1744 7160

  share tweet
  

• (518): View more from New York

  Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!

  Fav 8 3767 1385

  share tweet
  

• (770): View more from Georgia

  I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.

  Fav 11 1300 3056

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (678): View more from Georgia

  Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before

  Fav 10 1221 3069

  share tweet
  

• (302): View more from Delaware

  My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

  Fav 19 1853 3593

  share tweet
  

• (530): View more from California

  My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.

  (916): View more from California

  That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.

  Fav 1 2375 845

  share tweet
  

• (585): View more from New York

  Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.

  Fav 2 511 760

  share tweet
  

• (510): View more from California

  I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...

  Fav 0 668 483

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (540): View more from Virginia

  Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?

  Fav 0 277 252

  share tweet
  

• (813): View more from Florida

  There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.

  Fav 2 428 193

  share tweet
  

• (765): View more from Indiana

  Don't worry about me. I am infinite.

  Fav 0 39 10

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (714): View more from California

  I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.

  Fav 1 50 29

  share tweet
  

Randomize