Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
