What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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