I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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