Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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