Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
