Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
