"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
