he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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