Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
God gave him joint rollers for hands
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
