Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You can't special order awesome
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Drunk is a universal language darling
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
