At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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