I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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