just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
