Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I love having hate sex.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
