Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
