So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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