i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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