I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
