if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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