And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
