If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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