my phone needs a breathalizer
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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