I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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